Since childhood, I have been a student of the Bible. I grew up in a church where I was often told, “You wouldn’t try baking a cake without a cookbook. Why would you come to church without your Bible?” I was schooled in sword drills, Bible trivia competitions, and scripture memorization programs, having won trophies for the number of verses I knew by heart.
As an adult, I’ve attended theological conferences and taught women’s Bible studies and Sunday school classes. Can I just say, I have pretty decent theological chops? I can hold my own and explain things like predestination and covenant theology, justification, adoption, sanctification, and perseverance of the saints. I can explain them in King James, NIV, and ESV. I know my stuff. I know what the Bible says.
My challenge is to believe.
It’s not as though I doubt the words on the pages or question the historical accuracy of the accounts. I trust in God’s character—his goodness, power, omnipotence, omniscience, and omnipresence. I have no problem believing six impossible things before breakfast—creation spoken into existence, Red Sea parted, Elijah taken up into a whirlwind, a little boy’s lunch feeding five thousand, the blind and the lame healed, resurrection from death unto life.
It’s just that sometimes I have a hard time believing these things as they pertain to me.
Because when I lie awake in the middle of the night surrounded by worry and fear, I know that my faith doesn’t match my words. My actions betray my heart, exposing my unbelief.
In a fairly forgettable little movie about a father, (portrayed by country singer Tim McGraw) a daughter, and a horse, there is a line which says, “Anger is just fear working itself out.” All too often, this gray-haired old woman who knows her Bible inside and out responds to life’s circumstances, not with faith, but with frustration, irritation, and anger. At the root of the anger is fear. At the root of the fear is unbelief. Doubt. Questioning whether or not God really is good and can be trusted.
And unbelief is something God takes seriously. He says,
Therefore, when the Lord heard, He was full of wrath, a fire was kindled against Jacob, his anger rose against Israel because they did not believe in God and did not trust in His saving power. Psalm 78:21, 22.
Last year, I read about Ann Voskamp’s exercise in naming each year and found my name for the year 2010: See. My challenge throughout last year was to look for and see the ways in which God was present in my circumstances. It was a year of practicing the discipline of praying for eyes to see my heavenly Father and to hear him say, “I’m in this. You are not alone. Never will I leave you or forsake you.”
Ann challenged her readers again this year to find a name for the months ahead, but I kept coming up empty. When Bonnie at Faith Barista offered a similar challenge, and offered me a second chance, I found my word:
This is the year for me to ask myself, “How might my life look differently if my actions actually matched my words? What if I lived as though I believe what I say I do?”
This is my year, not only to see that God is present in this day-to-day life, but to trust Him when He says, “I’ve got this. Trust me.”
This is the year to believe.
To believe that God loves my children and knows, even better than I do, what is best for them.
To believe that I didn’t cause them irrevocable psychological damage during the years I home schooled them.
To believe that God has a purpose and a plan for my son’s life, that He is controlling the timing, and that He will be present with my son and sustain him throughout the waiting process.
To believe that the same God who has been faithful to my husband and me in our marriage, and to our parents and grandparents in theirs, will also be faithful to my daughter and her new husband as they begin their lives together.
To believe that no matter how much ugly, embarrassing junk I need to confess to my husband, he will continue to love and forgive me, demonstrating Christ-likeness again and again and again.
To believe that I am forgiven, that God is not angry with me, that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
To believe that God has purpose for my life and has meaningful work He intends for me to do in building His kingdom; to believe that He who calls, equips.
To believe that God is present with and superintending the details of the lives of friends who are battling cancer or whose family members are deployed and serving in Afghanistan.
These are things I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.
Linking with Bonnie and others at the Faith Barista Jam:
And with my sweet friend emily at imperfect prose because I found out I had something to say after all, however imperfectly.
23 comments:
"My actions betray my heart, exposing my unbelief."
It's funny that sometimes we can't discover what we even believe until we see our actions. That's how I know I don't have enough faith--because I worry.
This is an excellent post. Thank you for sharing these insights.
wonderful post, Nancy.
I often wonder where my anger comes from. I suppose a lot of it is fear.
Wow, I loved this :]
It's really encouraging to be able to read posts like this from people who have seen a thing or two, and aren't just speculating about the future (most of the blogs I read are written by folks my age, and that's all we can do).
♥
Can I just tell you how amazing this post is -- fully and completely wonderfully honest and real and a true blessing to all who read.
I thik believing then turns into being different; then comes really trusting God with everything. And then one day we dont have to work at it any more...it becomes character. Great post!
So good, Nancy, thank you. My word for this year is Listen. Love you, friend.
Great post Nancy :)
Some of the biggest blessings in my life are grownups who are open about things with which they struggle, and how they go about giving it to God.
Thanks for being one of those grownups.
Nancy,
I get it, I do. Reading and gathering knowledge can be time consuming, but the real test is believing.
Yes! I am completely, totally, 100% with you! Our hearts are certainly aligned. I love your idea of "believe" as the theme for the year. I also share your feelings of unbelief as it applies to ME. I truly appreciate your honesty. This was a beautiful post with a valuable lesson for my heart.
Blessings,
Melanie
Beautiful . . . I am thinking of a word too for the year, as God is working on fear with me. Maybe fearless? Thank you for sharing . . .
nancy, this is great. i find myself here so many times, one of my favorite verses that i find myself whispering in prayer is mark 9:24 "Lord, i believe, help my unbelief." thank you, thank you and blessings on your daughter's wedding...
What a powerful post. Thank you. Believing can be so much harder than it sounds. I'll look forward to your updates.
And now you have me thinking. I've never labeled my tendancies at wanting to control everything as unbelief. Hmm. You, my friend, are right. I've got some work to do...as always.
I can relate to nearly every single word you wrote in this post Nancy. I'm right there with ya!! I am often struck by the difference between intellectual belief and full integration of my beliefs to the point that it shows up in my emotions too. Excellent post and I look forward to joining you in your year of Believing!
Like Thomas, I cry, "Lord help my unbelief"!!!
Wonderful post
The Mark 9 dad is one of my favorite characters in all of the Word. To cry these things together -- I do believe! Help my unbelief! -- is such a contradiction, and yet such an honest, gut-deep groan. It's my cry daily.
I appreciate this post so much. I find myself so much like Vizzini in the Princess Bride, always insisting a thing is "inconceivable" even as it happens right before his eyes. Finally, Inigo looks him in the eye and says, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
Belief is one of those words for me. I don't know that it always means what I think it means.
Blessings to you as you seek to deepen belief this year, Nancy.
oh nancy i love that you wrote, and that you never give up, and that you strive to match words with life. believe. i like this. i love it. love you.
Wow, I may have to print out this post, especially the list of things to believe, and use it as a prayer guide for the year. Magnificent!
oh nancy, you are so full-- i mean that in the best way! i love visiting your space here, learning along side you and others as we share communal black words on white page. i, like you, struggle to make my words and actions/thoughts unite. i say, but don't often believe. i don't feel i line up with others -- what's true for them is not for me, i feel.
i love this word-theme year. i might have to come up with my own!
I love this post, Nancy!
“How might my life look differently if my actions actually matched my words?"
Powerful question. And a powerful one word "believe" -- the last declarations you made in our post was so powerful! I felt like it was your battle cry!
To make the journey from our head to our hearts -- you've encouraged us so much. THANK YOU for adding this to the jam. So special to start off the new year this way!
"My actions betray my heart, exposing my unbelief."
I know what I should do and yet I do not do it. I know what I should not do and yet I do it all the same. And God takes this manifest unbelief seriously, indeed.
Thank you for words I can hold in my heart...words that might help the heart and the actions...and the belief underneath...be more aligned with the truth.
Lord, help my unbelief is right on it. I really drank in your words. The song "Fat Baby" by Amy Grant kept going through my musical head as I read this. Thank you for reminding me to believe for myself, family, and life too.
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