Knowing of my interest in family histories and memoir, my brother recently shared with me an essay from a collection written by Catholic theologian Thomas Howard. Howard, who is perhaps better known as the younger brother of author and former missionary Elisabeth Elliott, wrote a tribute to his father, his father’s father, uncle, and two grandfathers. In an essay titled, “To Bear My Father’s Name,” Howard wrote:
. . . being a Christian, I stand under the divine law that enjoins us to honor our fathers and mothers. . . . In what way am I, middle-aged myself, obliged to pay honor to my father under this and divine command?
No doubt a many may do this in any number of ways. Four occur to me: I can remember them, I can give thanks for them, I can follow their example, and I can speak well of them, especially to my children.
Recognizing that parents are every bit as flawed and broken as the rest of us, I would add one more item to Mr. Howard’s list: Pray for grace to forgive them for being human. Having raised children to the brink of adulthood, I am painfully aware of many ways I got things wrong. I pray that in their growth in grace, my children will learn to forgive as they've been forgiven.
For some of us, the suggestions on the above list may come easily. I am thankful for a heritage of godly parents and grandparents in both my and my husband’s families. For others, I imagine it will take a powerful working of God’s grace to take even baby steps toward any of the above recommendations.
How might you put one of these ideas into practice today? Is there a way you could follow your parents’ example--even in something as simple as sharing an old family recipe or hobby? Do you have a story you could share about your parents--an opportunity to speak well of them to your children?
(The essay, “To Bear My Father’s Name,” is included in a collection titled: ‘The Night is Far Spent: A Treasury of Thomas Howard,’ Selected by Vivian W. Dudro)
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16 comments:
Despite the failures, yes, I can see the successes. I can find things worthy of carrying on. And because I am too a parent and know that I have failed time and time again, I pray that my daughters can count the successes, too.
Thanks for this list. I pray that I can use them to strengthen my relationship with my parents.
There were many things that were not right in my childhood, but laughter was abundant, books were everywhere, and love was felt. I pray I pass these along to my kids.
Also, "Knowing of my interest in family histories and memoir.." Errrrt. That was me making a sound like squealing brakes. Does this mean you have written a memoir? Or are you interested in reading memoirs?
I am going to need clarification because if you have written a book that I don't know about, I'm going to want to hear about it.
Oh, ouch. As one who has struggled with the choices my parents made (and continue to make) this really hits home. Recently, God told me a few things about the unforgiveness I have been harboring. It's hard. But I'm trying to grow up, be an Image-bearer, and let love lead.
Thanks for this, Nancy. So good.
Nancy, GOD whispered to us both to write about heritage and stories.
Although I followed Elisabeth's writings, I've not read Thomas Howard...but now I will for this is quite wonderful. Thank you.
I am at the same stage of life as you are...and it is so easy to see our mistakes. So thankful that when we are weak He is strong.
Nancy, thanks for this.
I was blessed with a wonderful childhood. Not perfect--I was reared by humans--but pretty dang good.
Still I found as a young adult that I could nurture the wounds too easily. I finally figured out that I wouldn't really grow up until I forgave my parents whatever imperfections marred me, accepted that they loved me desperately and did the best they could, always, and focused on the good stuff.
I pray that the kids know, or will come to know, this truth. Because I made my mistakes, too.
I love the ability to see my parents as people. Flawed, trying their best, succeeding, failing. Trying to love as I needed to be loved. I love the list.
Nancy, this post and your addition to the list are just what I needed today after a rough day and night dealing with stuff. I have to forgive and MOVE ON. It's that simple, yet my selfish sin nature wants payment of some sort. Oh, to be more like Him. Praying for strength to forgive and love fully again.
I have had interesting talks with friends on how to honor parents that are less than honorable. Thought provoking words.
Fun connection to know about . . . brother of Elisabeth Elliot. I have admired everything I have read about their parents.
Fondly,
Glenda
To learn to forgive as I've been forgiven. Growth in grace, indeed. To want to forgive as much as I want forgiveness...that's a place to grow toward. Thanks for this, Nancy!
I'm from a traditional loving family and grew up not knowing about dysfunctional homes. One thing I've discovered as parents age -- they need to know they were successful parents. Not in the big things...the little things. Like tea parties, vacations, a house filled with books and beautiful tableware we could use every day. Time spent coloring, playing games and allowing kitchen messes as I learned to cook. Many times I'll mention something on my blog and my mother will say, "I didn't know you remembered that." Such a small thing but now that I have a married daughter I understand it a bit more.
@Amy Sullivan: I like reading memoir, and my writing tends to be memoir-ish. I like telling people's stories, including my own. I did write an elderly friend's memoir as a gift for her family. She was suffering from Alzheimer's but had a treasure trove of stories I thought needed to have written down before they were lost forever.
My apologies, dear friends, if you've tried leaving a comment in the last couple of days. Blogger and my widgets don't seem to be playing nicely together. Thanks, as ever, for stopping by.
Hi Nancy ...
This really hit me and gave me hope: "I pray that in their growth in grace, my children will learn to forgive as they've been forgiven."
I remember being impressed with Thomas Howard's "Christ the Tiger" in bible college years ago. Think I might like to read it again.
Both my husband and I lost our mothers within the last month. My husband is honoring his mom by placing her ashes back home in Arkansas. There will be a lot of story telling. I've been writing about my mom and dad at my blog site. Lots of remembrances about "real" parents. Thanks for the clearly written post.
It's an odd feeling as an adult to realize your parents weren't / aren't perfect. My father is a pastor and even though I think he can do little wrong, I sometimes focus on the negative. I read this morning from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling - "My children make a pastime of judging one another and themselves. I am highly offended when I hear My children judge one another or indulge in self hatred." Yikes, it was convicting. Your post made me think of it. Thanks for sharing it.
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